Wednesday, January 29, 2014

What was I thinking?!?

Have you ever come across an old photo of yourself? I don't know about you, but usually my first thought is "What was I thinking?!?" Most often it's because of some terrible haircut I had or some atrocious piece of clothing. Remind me to tell you about the time I inadvertently matched my 60 year old substitute teacher...did I mention I was in 7th grade at the time?

That's the simultaneously great and awful thing about photos. They freeze a moment of our history for us to look back and reflect on. Sometimes we even stare in horror at the choices we made, but at the time of the photo, it was a good choice. (Luckily, I've developed a much better fashion sense in the years that followed that tragic 7th grade moment.)

I feel like that's a good comparison for life though. At any stage of our lives, we are making choices and decisions that we are convinced are good. It's only as we get older that we look back at those choices and see that maybe they weren't so great after all.

Sometimes it's tough for me to reconcile my actual age with the way I feel...which is about 18, maybe 22 on a good day. I feel young and energetic and excited for life, just like I did at those ages. The amazing thing is though, I would not go back to being those ages for anything in the world. I look back at the "issues" I had that caused me so much anxiety, realize how silly they were, and am eternally grateful that, for the most part, I don't need to subject myself to that again.

I'm by no means saying that I have life completely figured out. And I'm definitely not saying all those angst ridden moments never occur now. I'm entirely sure in another 10 years (let's not bring up what age I will be then, thank you), I will look back at moments now and wonder what I was thinking with the choices I made.

I guess what I'm saying is that as tough as it is for me to admit I'm 34 (DANG IT! I wasn't going to tell!), I love where I am in life. I can look back at the last 10 years and see what I did well and what I needed to change so that over the next 10 years, I can continue to do those things. And as those changes happen, life gets even better.

My hope is that as we get older, we continue to do just that...make fewer and fewer poor choices and more and more wise ones. If we do, then every year of life we live, we will grow up a little more, grow a little closer to Jesus, and learn a little more about who He created us to be.

What ares of your life can you look back on and see where you've grown?

Monday, January 6, 2014

Day Six: What to Say About Women

Today's challenge is to find a quote that stands out to me on being a woman or womanhood. I read through a LOT of them. Some of them were funny, some were extreme...but one in particular did stand out:

Women are never so strong as after their defeat.
Alexandre Dumas


This one struck me because of my Six Word Memoir. It also stood out to me, however, because of my life at the current moment.

We all experience ups and downs in life...after all, what fun is the amusement park without a couple of rides on a roller coaster? At some point though, you reach your limit. No matter how much you would like to, you can't take one more dizzying ride. That's where the memoir and this quote intersect.

My life has not been a particularly difficult one...but it has not been a particularly easy one either. I dealt with issues with my family that I'm guessing very few other teenage girls dealt with...perhaps some day it will be appropriate to share those, but for now, just know that they lend themselves to where I am at today. That is, of course, in addition to the hundreds of other things that girls DO typically have to deal with...and at some point, you encounter a collision of epic proportions.

What's funny, in an ironic sort of way of course, is that I can identify most of my issues. I'm sure there are some that I can't, or rather refuse, to see...but generally speaking, I know "what's wrong with me." I can also tell you things that need to be done or implemented to make these things better...but I can't seem to do it. Which leads me to where I'm at at this moment...looking to the past and determining to be better. Recognizing that, while at this moment I feel defeated, God WILL use this for my good and make me stronger. That is why this quote stood out to me. It speaks to the reality of the pain we suffer, and the hope that we have of being stronger when it is overcome.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Day Five: Dear So and So

Today's selection is supposed to be a very real, raw letter to someone. It can be expressing love, hurt, disappointment, encouragement....and while I am all for transparency, I think this one may be a bit too personal to share on the Internet. :)

Instead, I would like to ruminate (nice word drop, eh?) on why, as Christians, we are so concerned with the acceptance of others, when we know fully well that we are loved beyond measure. I know that I can not be the only one who struggles in this area. It amazes me how quickly I can go from feeling happy and loved to feeling like I'm not wanted or liked. It's a problem. A perfect example occurred just the other day. I had different plans than I normally do and was having a great time...until I realized that the people I would normally have been with were hanging out and no one bothered to ask where I was at or why I wasn't with them. Now, logically, I can tell myself that I had checked into a restaurant at around the time we would normally be getting together and they had seen that and assumed I had other plans. Makes perfect sense. But I FELT like no one cared that I wasn't there. What's the deal?

The "deal" is that magical word "felt." God gave us our emotions and they are good and beneficial....sometimes. But they are also misleading.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9 NIV)

AHA! There is the problem my friends. God very clearly tells us that our hearts are misleading and a mystery. We are to use WISDOM as well as emotion when interacting in this life. We need to stop being ruled by our emotions. I know, I know...easier said than done. But it is possible.

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8 NIV)

A dear friend gave me that verse the other day...as a means to fight self-doubt, insecurity, and anxiety. If we focus our thoughts the way Paul instructs us, we will begin to re-train our minds to not focus so much on the feelings that are ruling us and causing our downfalls.

It's ok to have emotions and feelings...God created us that way! We SHOULD rejoice in them...when they are done in a healthy, God honoring way. They should not rule us and make us to feel that we are less valuable and loved than we are.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Day Four: Delete.

First, as a matter of accountability, I did not, in fact, get to sleep by 11pm last night. Normally Friday wouldn't count but, lucky me, I get to be the weekend manager at work this weekend. I'm thrilled. Can you tell? I thought so.

Today, I need to pick a negative habit in my life and determine steps to come up with to eliminate it. The problem I'm facing is which one to pick. I'm impatient. I have a hard time waiting for a response, driving or walking behind someone slow, or waiting on hold or in line. I'm negative. It's taken me a long time to admit that because I always thought I was the "glass half full" kind of person. But it never fails...in a situation where there are unknown factors, I always assume the worst. I'm selfish in conversations. What I mean be that is that I sometimes I am so concerned with making sure I get to say what I have to say, or being included in a conversation, I cut people off or talk over them. It's disrespectful.

I could go on and on, but I don't think the intent of today is to bash myself repeatedly (another negative habit that needs to stop in my life.) All of these are traits that need to be changed, and it's going to take a lot more than 30 days and self-determined "steps." But you have to start somewhere, so let's begin with being less selfish in conversation.

I don't mean to be selfish in conversations...and it's not that I set out with the intent of making sure everyone knows what I have to say about a subject. It's more that I'm so worried about being forgotten or not included that I completely forget about the value that other people add to the conversation. (You will soon see, dear reader, that I am a girl who has insecurity and self-worth issues that manifest their ugly faces in all sorts of delightful ways.) The issue currently is not why I have this habit though, but how I can curb it.

Besides the obvious answer of therapy or counseling, I think the first step is being more aware. The people I'm involved in conversation with have just as much value to add as I do...and may, in fact, be struggling with the same issues of wanting to be heard and included! I need to actively listen so that I am aware of when someone is not done with a thought. A second thing to remember is that the people I talk to are my friends...they want to hear what I have to say, so I can stop worrying that I will not be included. However, they don't want to be interrupted and talked over. Doing so will only cause frustration, hurt feelings, and the possibility that I will be excluded, not because they don't care, but because they are tired of being disrespected. Finally, I need to apologize when and if I do interrupt. It's bound to happen until I get it under control. But when it does happen, catching myself and immediately apologizing should help.

What's a negative habit you would like to eliminate from your life?

Friday, January 3, 2014

31 Day Journey, Days One through Three

A friend posted a challenge...a 31 day journaling challenge. It was actually on the website The Art of Manliness, but it seems really intriguing, so I'm going to give it a shot. Obviously I will adjust if something is "man-specific," but let's hope that the awkwardness is kept to a minimum, eh? ;) Also, I'm behind, so we are going to cram three days into one. Ready? GO.

Day One: Why Journal?

I like journaling...mostly because I like writing. It's therapeutic and I get to share my thoughts. I've always had a secret wish to be a writer. It's funny though, for something I love doing and find so soothing when I do, I rarely make time for it. I think it's that way with a lot of important things in my life. I let myself get so busy doing "things" that I forget to make time for what is really important. Or, to be totally honest, I let myself make excuses for not doing those things (like running, time with God, writing, REST)and then tune out the guild with some other mind numbing activity, like watching Netflix.

So I guess what I'm hoping from this is that I get in the habit of writing more often. That's why I chose to use my blog instead of a journal. There is a level of accountability here...from my 3 readers. ;) I'm sure some of these posts will be personal, but I don't mind being transparent. I've found that I've always learned the most when people are honest and real. Sure, there are your standard "right answers" to everything, but when those answers just make you feel like more of a failure because you struggle with them, that doesn't really help. It helps to know that other people have the same issues and struggles as you. It's comforting to know that you are not the only one who struggles with making time for Jesus, keeping to a fitness plan, money management, or breaking free from harmful relationships. There is hope in knowing that other people you respect and look up to struggle with their appearance, or with feeling loved. So even if it is forever emblazoned on the internet, I'm ok sharing my struggles because maybe they will help someone else.

Day Two: The 6 Word Memoir

Learn from the past, be stronger.


Day Three: Add Benefit to Your Life

First, can I just say how hard it is to not read ahead and see what the future entries will be?? Haha, I love surprises, but I hate waiting for them!

Anyways, today's entry is something beneficial or positive that I want to add to my life. It can be anything from a simple health habit (flossing every day) to something more intense. The problem is, there are SO MANY things that I want to add to my life. But part of a journey is learning how to take one step at a time, right? I think that "writing more" is a cop-out because I've already committed to doing that...so for now, I will say that what I want to add to my life is being in bed and asleep by 11pm at least 3 times a week. I went to bed the other night at 8:30pm (I had to be up at 5am the next day) and I felt amazing. I tried it again last night (was asleep by 11) and, despite my exceptionally noisy neighbors best efforts, I seemed to get a pretty decent sleep. It was also a little easier to get up in the morning...which will make it easier to get back to running in the mornings when it warms up around here! I know it seems silly, but I have learned one thing: when you are trying to make changes in your life, small, baby steps are the best way to go. Hopefully more sleep leads to more energy, more productivity, and time better spent!