Sometimes I forget how dependent I am.
I don't mean on other people. I used to be...and I thank Jesus all the time that He is bringing me through that. I mean dependent on Jesus. I forget how dependent I am on Him because I start going about things in my own way, wondering how *I* should handle situations, what should *I* say...and I do that because of one of two reasons.
1) I don't like what He has to say on the subject.
2) I don't trust Him.
Because I am doubting and not trusting God, I often wind up stressed, angst ridden, and generally miserable...it even takes a physical toll on me! I end up sick to my stomach all the time and can't hardly eat. There are certain situations that obviously impact me more than others, but at the bottom of them all is the fact that I am not trusting God. But I do my best to cover that up, because what kind of Christ follower doesn't trust God?
One scripture that I have clung to the last few months is Psalm 27:14: "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage, yes, wait for the Lord." Ok, cool. Thanks Jesus, I get it...just wait for You to take care of everything. The problem is that the "waiting" has become the form my distrust takes.
I don't wait on Jesus to see where He will take me next, I wait on Him with an expectation of where I feel I should be going.
I wait on God for the next thing I want...or for this season to be over. I don't wait on God to see His goodness, or to see where He has taken me from and brought me to...because I am waiting for the wrong reasons. I preach all the time about being satisfied in God first and foremost...and I believe that with my whole heart.
Being satisfied in God really does no good if you are only satisfied with Him "for now"
....which is how I've been acting. I am satisfied with being single...for now. I am satisfied in what Jesus is using me for...for now. I am satisfied with the life I have...for now. I am constantly waiting for things to change. Not only that, I am waiting for things to change to what I WANT them to be. I am not resting in who He is and what I am in Him...I am not waiting for His goodness, but I do a darn good job of fooling myself and others. I don't think this means never feeling lonely or sad or discouraged. I think it DOES mean recognizing that if my life were to end right this moment, I have everything I need, that God has provided and taken care of me, just like He promised.
So many songs that have played on my SlackerRadio today have been about being content in Him, how much He loves me, how He has spoken for my heart, how my surrender is needed for Him to work...I feel like He is gently nudging me...reminding me of these things that I repeat mindlessly. It's SO hard though, when there are issues in your life that hurt, when it seems like things work out for everyone else in regards to relationships, jobs, etc, but not for you. So this is what I am dealing with today...learning to be dependent...but to be dependent on the one true God, the one who loves me with an everlasting love, who is a consuming fire. I am dealing with the fact that "The Lord directs our steps, so why bother trying to understand everything along the way?" (Prov. 20:24). I feel like I am not alone in this...but I also feel like we are afraid to speak up when we feel this way because we will be judged for doubting, for not trusting...
What do you not trust God for?
