If you're really honest with yourself, you're a cutter too....

I suppose I should explain what I mean...for those of you who may have never heard the term, a "cutter" is someone who self inflicts injury on themselves, usually by, you guessed it, cutting. We tend to feel pity for these people because they can't find any other way to release their anxieties, frustrations, concerns (and other emotion you can think of!) besides self-inflicted injury.

Ok, let's make a jump here. When we sin, why do we feel bad? and IF we feel bad about it, why is that? It's usually because we feel like we've hurt God, or let Him down, or maybe we feel like that guilty little kid who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar....BUSTED!

A young man named Elihu in the book of Job would challenge that pre-conceived notion:

⁶ If you sin, how does that affect God?
      Even if you sin again and again,
      what effect will it have on him?
 ⁷ If you are good, is this some great gift to him?
      What could you possibly give him?
 ⁸ No, your sins affect only people like yourself,
      and your good deeds also affect only humans (Job35:6-8)

I read that and I had to stop and think for a second. I have become so arrogant as to assume that my sin impacts God. It doesn't. Not in the way I've always thought anyways. Our sin does not affect his character or countenance, it affects OURS. So...if any argument could be made, it would be that our sin affects God only because we are hurting ourselves and He doesn't want to see His children hurt. He hurts when we do. 


Wait. What? So, I'm actually hurting myself when I sin? Ok, maybe we all ready knew that....and sometimes just choose to ignore it. But when you stop and think anout the fact that we are SELF-INFLICTING pain, hurt, guilt, shame...all those things that sin brings with it upon ourselves.....all I can think about is the pity and sorrow I feel for other people who inflict those things upon themselves and how God must feel towards me at that moment.  

God gives us free will. He gives us the choice over whether or not we are going to choose His way or our own. Whatever choice we make doesn't affect Him. He will continue to love us and be God no matter what we do. His character does not change because we sin. Like any parent though, He doesn't want to see His children hurt or in pain. That's why He gave us the bible, the church community....so we would have support and guidance.

We all sin. But there are times when our sin is a willful choice that we keep repeating. "I know this goes against what God wants for me, but I want to do it/see it/say it." There are definitely a couple areas in my life that immediately come to mind. So, will I stop "cutting" myself? All I need to do is give this willful disobedience over to God. He knows the plans He has for me, and they involve amazing things. He doesn't want me to hurt, He wants me to flourish.

Thoughts?

He is mine forever....

I'm not very good at this blogging thing, am I? Aren't you typically supposed to blog every couple days? Oh well.....

I had a thought hit me that I find pretty profound. God wants our love, but we NEED His. I know that sounds pretty basic, but when you really stop to think about it, it's jaw dropping. The fact that the God of the universe wants me to love Him, well, that's just amazing, period. That fact alone is enough to make me stop and realize how valuable I am to Him. It's especially humbling when you realize that we need His love. We will never live full, complete lives without it. We will be eternally separated from Him without it. We need it to survive because we are fallen, self-centered, sinful creatures...and He still WANTS ours.

I don't know about anyone else, but after awhile, it's hard for me to love someone that constantly hurts me. And I know I must constantly hurt Jesus. When I choose to react with anger towards a family member because they are making choices I don't approve of....when I allow myself to be bitter because I am not where I want to be in life....when the words I speak or the thoughts I have are not God honoring....it must hurt Him. Yet, He still wants me. Because I am valuable and precious to Him. Precious enough that He died for me...knowing it would take me 17 years to accept that....and then another 6 to live like what He did mattered. What I find so comforting though, is that even through all my stupid decisions, He has never left me...because He wants my love...

"My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
      but God remains the strength of my hear;
He is mine forever."
~Psalm 73:26

Lessons from a Lion....

Anyone that has talked to me in the last two weeks knows that my life is, to say the least, frustrating right now. Rather than hash out the tiresome details (again), I would rather discuss something that a lion has shown me.....

I am re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia series for about the millionth time. I love these books. I have loved them since the age of 7, when my mom ordered them for me out of a Scholastic catalog. I've had the same set since then. I didn't know as a young child about God, or Jesus, or christianity, or that C.S. Lewis was a christian. I do now though, and it amazes me what you can learn about God from reading these stories.

Right now I am on book 3, Voyage of the Dawn Treader. *SPOILER ALERT* There is a scene in the book where one of the characters accidentally becomes a dragon. I know, right? How do you accidentally become a dragon? Anyways, the character becomes a dragon, but eventually the lion Aslan shows up and tells them they have to take off the dragon skin to enjoy this wonderful hot spring that the character has found. Well, the character takes the skin off, tries to step in the hot spring, and sees that there is another dragon skin. So they try and take that one off. The same thing happens several times. Finally Aslan tells the character that HE has to remove the skin for it to permenantly stay off. When Aslan removes the skin though, it actually hurts. This is because the character was just removing a thin, artificial layer of skin. Aslan was removing the whole thing, all the way down to the muscle. After that, the character had beautiful new skin and was able to enjoy the hot spring.

In case you've never seen or read any of the Narnia books or movies, I will clue you in to the fact that Aslan represents Jesus in them. The dragon skin the character was wearing was representative of their heart (at the time, the character was selfish, mean, greedy, etc). Here's what the Lion taught me....we ALL have things or issues that we must deal with and that need changed to be closer to God. Essentially, we all have our own "dragon skin" that needs to be shed to enjoy the gifts that God has for us. However, when WE try to remove those things on our own, it never really works....they always come back. I don't know HOW many times I have tried to be a kinder person, or honor God with my finances better. But guess what? I can't maintain it...the stupid dragon skin keeps coming back. So now, I need to let Jesus take the skin off.....and that's what He's doing, and BOY does it hurt. I have never felt like such a burden on people and have never felt so frustrated and helpless. But you know what? When this is all over.....man, am I going to enjoy my fresh new skin and that amazing hot spring. :-)

What do you hope for?

Tuesday's are great days for me. I am only at work for 4 hours and then I get to go over to church to help write the Fusion (jr high ministry) outline and work on scheduling and such. It's 8 hours off each paycheck, but the emotional and spiritual benefits I gain from doing it are worth for more than a day's wage. So yesterday was doubley (is that really a word??) awesome, because I also got to go out with a bunch of the ladies from the student minsitry team for dinner and to see a movie! (Ironically titled "Life As We Know It," which was VERY good by the way!)

Anyways, this weeks outline was on words of hope. We put our hope in so many different things: our jobs, other people, our status among friends and colleagues. So many of these things let us down though....but what's amazing is that we serve a God who will never disappoint us...

"But as for me, I will always have hope;
   I will praise you more and more.
My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
  of your salvation all day long,
  though I know not its measure."

~Psalm 71:14-15

That was the verse in a devotional book I received yesterday as a gift....which was meant for me to give away I believe. I just had a co-worker come into my office and unload about some things going on in their life. I feel like I was given that book to pass onto her because she is at a point where she is feeling hopeless. I also got the chance to pray with her. She goes to CedarCreek as well, but does not attend on a regular basis at all, partially due to the circumstances she was telling me about. I encouraged her to go this weekend especially because of the upcoming message on hope. It is amazing to me how God can take the smallest thing and use it for something so huge. My co-worker has never let on that there was anything wrong in her life before and she is pretty private about her home life. For her to share like that and allow God the opportunity to use me leaves me in awe....

Stress...

This morning was really stressful at work. There's been rifts between my co-worker's and I that have grown over the last couple of months. These rifts stem from the fact that I no longer want to live the way they (and I found 2 years ago) find so entertaining. Whether this is my fault for acting different towards them (which I shouldn't do) or them acting different towards me, I'm not sure. It's hard to see clearly when you are emotionally involved in the situation. However, I have found a much deeper fulfillment in God now that I have seen how heart wrenching life can be apart from Him.  Consequently, I now feel like the outcast. Typically, I am ok with this, but when I have to deal with that and a billion things going wrong the minute I walk in the door, it makes for a not so happy Monday.

What's funny is this morning I read a verse where Jesus is chastising people because they care more for man's praise then God's. That's exactly where I struggle. I want everyone to like me and so I prayed on my way in to work that I would not focus on what anyone at work said to me, but on God...and then i got hit from 6 different directions with people who were upset with me for situations that were beyond my control.

Long story short, God provided me with the peace I needed by using one of my amazing friends. I am so thankful to have such an amazing Father! I'm also very blessed to have friends that love God as much as I do!