Empty.

Empty. It's how I feel right now. We attended a church service this weekend that was dedicated to celebrating God and all He has done for and through the church. Towards the end of the service, everyone was encouraged to think of an "only God" moment. A moment where whatever had happened could be attributed only to God. It was based off Joshua 4, where Joshua commands each of the tribes to place a stone in the middle of the Jordan river as a memorial:

4 So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, 5 and said to them, “Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, 6 to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ 7 tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord. When it crossed the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. These stones are to be a memorial to the people of Israel forever.”

He knew that, as humans, we are prone to forget the amazing things God does for us...and he wanted to be sure that didn't happen. So imagine how I felt, sitting there with a stone in one hand and a sharpie in the other, with nothing coming to mind. I couldn't think of an "only God" moment from the past year. I could think of a million things I was hoping for or things I was waiting for answers on, but not a single moment that I could say "Thank you God. Only YOU could've pulled that off." Realistically, I'm sure I have had moments. But we tend to only see what we are focused on...and I have not been focused on God. I've been focused on what I was DOING for God, relationships, career opportunities, possible relocation...everything but Him. When stressful or hurtful things have happened, rather than turn to God, I complained outwardly to friends and sought their opinions. And while I have amazing friends who do offer Godly advice, I never once turned to the One who knows the answers to the questions I was asking.

It consistently amazes my how often our minds and hearts don't line up. Maybe that's why the bible warns us not to listen to our hearts:

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

I cognitively recognize that God is near me, but emotionally it's hard to reconcile. My heart is telling me that I am empty and far from God...and I have a blank stone sitting here, reinforcing that feeling. So here's what's going to happen: THIS is my "only God" moment. Only He could have made me so painfully aware of my lack of trust in Him. It's ironic, because the verse I had chosen to focus on this year was Proverbs 3:5:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"

I have been leaning on my own understanding (or lack thereof) for FAR too long. Only God could have made me aware of that. Only God can bring me through that. 

What is your only God moment? Is it something you're celebrating? Or, like me, have you been leaning on yourself far too much?

Sometimes I forget how dependent I am.

I don't mean on other people. I used to be...and I thank Jesus all the time that He is bringing me through that. I mean dependent on Jesus. I forget how dependent I am on Him because I start going about things in my own way, wondering how *I* should handle situations, what should *I* say...and I do that because of one of two reasons.

1) I don't like what He has to say on the subject.

2) I don't trust Him.

Because I am doubting and not trusting God, I often wind up stressed, angst ridden, and generally miserable...it even takes a physical toll on me! I end up sick to my stomach all the time and can't hardly eat. There are certain situations that obviously impact me more than others, but at the bottom of them all is the fact that I am not trusting God. But I do my best to cover that up, because what kind of Christ follower doesn't trust God?

One scripture that I have clung to the last few months is Psalm 27:14: "Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage, yes, wait for the Lord." Ok, cool. Thanks Jesus, I get it...just wait for You to take care of everything. The problem is that the "waiting" has become the form my distrust takes.

I don't wait on Jesus to see where He will take me next, I wait on Him with an expectation of where I feel I should be going.

I wait on God for the next thing I want...or for this season to be over. I don't wait on God to see His goodness, or to see where He has taken me from and brought me to...because I am waiting for the wrong reasons. I preach all the time about being satisfied in God first and foremost...and I believe that with my whole heart.

Being satisfied in God really does no good if you are only satisfied with Him "for now"

....which is how I've been acting. I am satisfied with being single...for now. I am satisfied in what Jesus is using me for...for now. I am satisfied with the life I have...for now. I am constantly waiting for things to change. Not only that, I am waiting for things to change to what I WANT them to be. I am not resting in who He is and what I am in Him...I am not waiting for His goodness, but I do a darn good job of fooling myself and others. I don't think this means never feeling lonely or sad or discouraged. I think it DOES mean recognizing that if my life were to end right this moment, I have everything I need, that God has provided and taken care of me, just like He promised.

So many songs that have played on my SlackerRadio today have been about being content in Him, how much He loves me, how He has spoken for my heart, how my surrender is needed for Him to work...I feel like He is gently nudging me...reminding me of these things that I repeat mindlessly. It's SO hard though, when there are issues in your life that hurt, when it seems like things work out for everyone else in regards to relationships, jobs, etc, but not for you. So this is what I am dealing with today...learning to be dependent...but to be dependent on the one true God, the one who loves me with an everlasting love, who is a consuming fire. I am dealing with the fact that "The Lord directs our steps, so why bother trying to understand everything along the way?" (Prov. 20:24). I feel like I am not alone in this...but I also feel like we are afraid to speak up when we feel this way because we will be judged for doubting, for not trusting...

What do you not trust God for?

Honesty....

I've had a very emotional day. I found out some news that really hurt me. What hurt even more was the way I found it out. It's hard to explain everything about it, but God has shown me a hard truth....I have thought I was better then I really am. That's not a rip on me or my abilities....it's a comment on how I view myself. I have not been honest in my evaluation of myself.

There is an opportunity that I have been longing for and looking forward to. I have complete faith in God that this is an opportunity I will receive...I'm just not sure when. I thought I was ready for this opportunity, but if I'm honest with myself, I don't really think I am at this exact moment...and that was reinforced for me today....both through the news I received, and through today's reading that my daily bible reading plan on attitude provided for me:

"Because of the privilege and authority God has given me, I give each of you this warning: Don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us." ~Romans 12:3

I wish I had read this this morning. I might not have become so emotional. I also read a verse in Luke that spoke to me:

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and He will give you everything you need." ~Luke 12:31

I feel like that feeds into the first verse....if I'm entirely honest with myself, I am not seeking God's kingdome above all else. I justify my actions because I'm still seeking it....just not as much as the other things I'm seeking.

It's sobering when we are taught lessons. Especially when those lessons involve things we care deeply for...the trouble arises when we begin to care more for those things then we care for seeking God.

So today begins yet another renewal of my faith and purpose...to passionately pursue Christ and His kingdom. Only then may I be used by Him as completely as possible.

Two paths diverged in a yellow wood.....

I'm having some tough thoughts right now...thoughts about where my life's at, where it's going, where I want it to be going, where God wants it to be going. I'm not going to lie, they're scary thoughts. They are definitely out of my comfort zone thoughts.

I'm learning that it's hard for me to trust...especially God. That sounds so stupid. If there is one being in this entire universe that I can trust, it's God. I have a hard time doing it though. I worry that these thought's I'm having and the subsequent feelings and emotions they invoke are not necessarily promptings from God, but errant thoughts on my part.

I'm obviously praying about these things. I don't think it's a coincidence that the issue has been brought up by not one, but two people very close to me. However, I worry that I am connecting dots that don't need to be connected.

I'm doing a study on obedience right now, but I added a study on trust. The first verse that popped up was Exodus 14:14 "The Lord himself will fight for you. Just stay calm." I feel like I am the exact opposite of calm. I am worried and angsty and nervous and stressed.

I've made this sounds like it's some big, terrible thing looming on the horizon. In reality, it's something something that is very postitive. It's just scary to think about because like I said, it REALLY takes me out of my comfort zone. I feel like I've reached a crossroad...do I continue the path I've been on, or do I turn, and take the other? It wouldn't be easy...and I may completely fail....but if it's what God intends for me, I will succeed, no matter how difficult it is, because He is fighting for me. And if it's not what God intends, it was simply a learning opportunity.

Does anyone want to share a similar time in their life? When you were looking at two different paths? Did you know God was pointing you down one? Did you succeed, fail? I'm doing all that I can (praying, seeking wise counsel) but I'd still like to here other people's experiences. Plus, it'd be great if I ever got this blog interactive!  :)

The thin spots....

Well, actually it's just been the last few days. On Sunday, I left church to go pick my sister up for Vertical, our high school service. I was in a hurry because I had to be back for run through for our junior high program, Fusion. Everything was fine on the way there. On the way back however, right after I got on the expressway, it felt like I had a flat tire. I wasn't really comfortable with the area I would've have gotten off in, so I just prayed out loud the entire way back that we would just make it to the church. My little sister even good humorously made a joke about playing "Jesus Take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood.

We made it back to the church and I jumped out of the car to see how bad the tire damage was....but the tire was fine. I was frustrated and confused, but hurried into the church to finish my message and get ready for run through.

After services, my sister and got in the car to go, and now it was making funny noises by that tire in addition to driving weird. I had my friend hop in and his final verdict was that he didn't know what was wrong, but I shouldn't drive it home. While we were standing around trying to figure out what could be wrong, how I would get home, etc, I noticed the tire looked like it was leaning away from the car. We got a flashlight out and discovered that 4 of the 5 lug nuts that were supposed to secure my tire were missing. Slightly terrified that we almost died and immensely relieved that we didn't, my sister and I got a ride home and another friend agreed to pick me up in the morning and get some new lug nuts.

We got back out to the car and my buddy was attempting to put the lug nuts on, but could not seem to get to the bolts they attached too. I suggested that it was because the tire was tipped out. So he went to take the last lug nut off and the bold it was attached to snapped off! The other 4 bolts were gone as well. I had been driving 60mph on a tire that was held on by one bolt. The only thing I could think was that God was definitely watching out for us.

I wound up getting the car towed and fixed. It ended up being more than I originally thought, but still not bad. Regardless, this was unexpected expenses and my hours had just been cut at work. I was obviously re-doing my budget in my head, seeing as my check was going to be less then it normally was. I went to work the next day and when I got home, I checked my mail. I had the normal assortment of flyer's and such, but I also had a card. It was about the size of a thank you card, so I assumed it was from the wedding I attended that past Friday. (Although, I was honestly amazed that the newlyweds would get thank you cards out that fast. Honeymoon vs thank you cards? Honeymoon wins every time!) I tossed the mail on the stand and went to let the dogs out and change out of my work clothes. When I finally picked the card up to open it, if felt slightly thicker then a normal thank you card. I didn't think anything of it, because the invites for the shower's had been thick due to the scrap booking efforts of the bride and her friends. When I opened the card however, there was not a thank you regarding the wedding.

There was a note thanking me for the work I do with Fusion and for the time I invest in the kids. There was also 5 crisp $20 bills. I have no idea who sent the card. The didn't sign it and there was no return address. All I do know is that, once again, God showed up in an unexpected place. It was postmarked the day before my car had broken.

In our Life Group, we are reading a book that talks about the thin spots, where heaven and earth meet. This was a thin spot for me. The earthly needs/issues I had this week were met by a touch of heaven, a loving whisper from my Creator.

I'm not sure why people would prefer to believe that we are here on accident, or that there may be a higher power, but it is distant and not involved with us. I see evidence everyday of a loving God, that created and is currently perfecting me (if I'd just get out of the way!!)...a God who uses people to touch others hearts. He is not distant, but is incredibly close by, if only we would acknowledge Him.

I know most of this post has been the back story of the car, but I hope anyone reading has made it this far. We have the breath of God within us (Job 32:8)....it makes us intelligent, not just in an academic way, but in a holy way. When we let Jesus' breath fill us, we begin to think and act more like Him.

Whoever sent me that card, thank you for breathing the breath of the Almighty. :)

Today you get a cute outfit!

I'm trying to think of something creative or thought provoking to write about and I keep coming up blank. So I thought I'd show you how adorable my outfit is today. The sparkly champagne colored shoes and chandelier peach earrings compliment my adorable (slightly) sparkly sweater from Charlotte Russe perfectly!

Two days in a row!

I found a verse in scripture today that kind of blew me away...I'm sure I've read this before but for some reason it never stood out until today:

"But there is a spirit within people,
     the breath of the Almighty within them,
that makes them intelligent."
                                  ~Job 32:8

The whole verse is beautiful, but what stuns me is that middle line. Read it again.

...the breath of the Almighty within them...

I read this verse during a a reading plan on wisdom. Not only is it beautifully written, but it gives me hope. I do not always make the smartest decisions. Those not so wise decision usually come when it's something I'm not sure about and I just decide on my own what I should say/do. I don't pray about it, or consult the bible...I just use my own "wisdom." I'm not saying I always make poor choices, but if I'm going to be honest, I've made more than my fair share of them.

This is where the hope comes in to play. The more I turn towards Jesus, the more I pursue Him, the more like Him I will become. Or, the more I let the breath that He breathed into me flourish, the more wise I will become. I by no means think that means I will never screw up or make mistakes. I do think it means I will think and act more like Jesus...and will hopefully be wiser for it.

Really though, I can't get over the beauty of that passage. I'm a big fan of tattoo's and have several. All but one highlights my faith, and all are in places that are easily covered should I need to cover them. I keep thinking about this verse in a flowery script as a tattoo somewhere....if I can think of somewhere to have it inked that I can easily cover, it will be my next one. As it stands now, I have a tattoo on my right ankle, my left shoulder, my lower back, and both wrists. Any ideas where I can get the new one? :-D